So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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