you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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