she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
i believe in u and ur pee
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
