me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
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