How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
