Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Less talking, more tequila
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
