I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
