the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
