Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
