I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
