Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
