If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
