i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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