Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
