so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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