she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
