I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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