We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Drunk walkin through police station. America
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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