My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize