Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
