so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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