You're a womanizer and a bitch.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize
