She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I stole a fireplace last night.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize