Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
