Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize