Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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