slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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