are you so shy because you have an std?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
