The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
