chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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