I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
50% drunk capacity currently
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
