My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
