As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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