I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
