Fuck appropriateness.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
