at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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