ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
