I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
