My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Pants are for mortals
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
