i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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