I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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