My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
