I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
