I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
