everyone is single if you try hard enough
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
