The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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