he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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