haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
