Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
