My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
