i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize