We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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