So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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