You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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